My WoW character

Oh, I can’t believe I’ve forgotten to upload this drawing here – it’s been a few months since I drew it. It’s my character from World of Warcraft, “Althrea”. She’s a Night elf rogue, usually keeping her clothes on.

Old town life

My apologies for not having updated this blog for a while. My Swedish language (non-art) blog has taken most of my attention. I haven’t felt like drawing lately, and I’ve also just moved from the big city back to my old town in the countryside, to try to get some peace. The largest city in the country was perhaps not the best place to recover from a burn out…

I’m still pretty much making myself at home at my new place, but who knows: maybe my desire to draw and express myself artistically will return once I’ve settled into the slow life here.

An artist soul in the void

Physical status
My physical recovery from the burnout is making progress. As long as I don’t exhaust myself, a bit of passing headache and perhaps some slight dizziness is all that shows that my head still is not what it used to be. It is not until I do something too much and/or too long (for example reading, writing or socializing) that I get more troubling symptoms like strong headache, dizziness, nausea and difficulties thinking, once again reminding me why I am actually on sick leave. All of these troubles have gotten noticeably better lately though.

Artistic status
Mentally and artistically however I am still pretty much floating in the void. I am basically of the worrying kind, with a creativity fueled by love, lust and happiness.

These are the feelings I have attempted to express in the drawings that can for example be found in my online gallery, and these are the feelings (some or all of them) that I hope my visitors will feel inside when they look at my artwork. As I did not have a girlfriend at the time when I drew most of my artwork the drawings were in reality my prime outlet for said feelings. In a way, drawing was my substitute for the partner I did not have – an outlet for my love.

After a horrible relationship which damaged my soul and most likely speeded me on my way to a burnout I now, since about five years, have a girlfriend who loves me as much as I love her, and for this I am very happy. As a sign of the irony of life however we are more or less complete opposites when it comes to our interests and personalities – not least concerning our views on art and popular culture. Thus I would dare say that there are currently two main obstacles to my creativity: Firstly that I do not feel the strong urge to draw as before as drawing is no longer my only way to express my love, and secondly that I quite simply cannot help feeling bad when I attempt to draw something, as I know she most likely would not appreciate it.

Searching for a purpose
Such is the state of my artistic life right now. I really want to create more art again – beauty and cuteness is still something I want to express. I have to find a way, however, to overcome both my inner and outer critics.

Theoretically I could also try to develop my art in new directions. As I have always enjoyed drawing cute and sexy young women I would say my scale of motifs stretches from the really young and cute in an anime/manga style (lolicon) on the one hand, to the more realistic portrayal of adult women (photographic realism) on the other. On the one hand side accusations of pedophilia would await, on the other the sad fact that I simply do not know how to draw realistic portraits…

I have lately tried to use reference photos as a way to simplify the artistic process a bit, mainly regarding poses and proportions, but so far the results have not been completely to my liking. It just feels a bit like cheating. I have also applied for a course in drawing and acrylics painting, hoping it might advance my art in some direction. It is also possible that I should benefit from a renewed and expanded social context.

Bicykle trip

I realise I haven’t uploaded any new drawings for a while. To try to make up for it, here is one of the few drawings I’ve worked on in these past months: a sketch of a girl/woman posing naked on a blanket, next to a bicykle. I used reference photos for this one, but I’m not that happy with the result.

Midsummer in Dalarna

I´m out at my grandparents´ place in the countryside in Dalarna county, Sweden, for a few days during Midsummer, relaxing and recharging my batteries a bit. Apart from a few summers in Japan I think I have spent more or less every summer of my life out here. In recent years it´s been a question of days rather than weeks and months, but regardless the time this break from ordinary every-day city life has been important for me.

I´ve always enjoyed being out in nature. The trees, the greenery and the peaceful scenery has always made me relax, filled me with energy and brought life to my imagination. Whenever I have felt stressed or exhausted from work or study, or filled with thoughts or sadness from personal life, a walk in the forest has been my cure-it-all. It helps me calm down, gather my thoughts and give wings to my imagination. After a hard year´s study my time in the countryside was what brought me back to my feet. In the years leading up to my burnout I gave myself less and less time for those moments in nature. That was a grave mistake.

Anyway, I sleep in my mother´s cottage (see picture of the fireplace) – on my grandparent´s land – at night, visiting my grandparents´ place a lot in the day. Some time is spent cutting grass and doing things like that, but most of the time I try to rest.

Spring flowers

Spring has come to the Stockholm area. Outside the almost completely barren trees and bushes have changed into their most lush green dresses, and lots of spring flowers have bloomed in all their beauty. At the height of a heat wave in the beginning of May, a week or so ago, all the trees in the area suddenly changed into white, thanks to thousants upon thousands of white flowers of different kinds. You can see what it looked liked in some of the photos below, taken with my new digital camera which I received from my girlfriend as part of the payment for a job I did for her a while ago.

Yes, since my previous post I and my girlfriend have spent some quality time together again, she visiting me a couple of weeks. Now she is back in Japan again, but it was great while it lasted Thank god for Facebook and Windows Live Messenger. I really wonder how people could maintain long distance relationships before they existed…

Health-wise – at least physically – things have not made much progress compared to a few months ago, but the progress that has been made has been in the right direction. Although it is still difficult to do activities involving much thinking (like self-study using books and interactive tutorials) more than about 1-2 hours a day – at a computer class I am currently attending – the headaches have actually improved a bit. Rather than having strong, handicapping pain, accompanied by a strong pressure inside the frontal parts of my brain like before, the pain is now much lighter, sometimes combined with nausea. It is a step in the right direction I´d say.

I think much of this improvement is thanks to me finally learning to cut down on avoiding stressful activities and situations, and listening to my body more than before. I think I will expand on this in a later post.

Art-wise I am from time to time working on a sketch of a naked lady. I will hopefully be able to finish it and upload it here soon.

Oh, to be able to paint…

Yesterday I visited an annual(?) art exhibition – Stockholms Konstsalong – being arranged in the beautiful and relaxing Haga Park in northern Stockholm. It was located in a series of greenhouse-type of buildings so the sunlight illuminated everything and everywhere very nicely. And the art – oh the art – it was indeed a feast for the eyes! Sculptures, woodwork etc took up the very central areas, but most of the art consisted of various kinds of paintings. A few watercolour works could be found, but most were done in oil or acrylics. Some of the oil/acrylic paintings were really stunningly beautiful.

I don´t possess the vocabulary to accurately be able to express my impressions using art critic lingo, but let me just say that there were some wonderful examples of both nature scenery, endless ocean views, portraits and of course some flowers as well. Some of my favourite works managed to convey that special child-like – almost dreamy – quality, suitable for a scene from a fairytale of some kind.

I just love works like that. Pictures and sculptures that spur my imagination, and let me see them as if frames from a moving picture. I want to try my hand at sculpturing some day, but more than so I want to learn how to paint, using oil or acrylics. I have wanted to for many years, and I hope to be able to someday. To be able to paint pictures similar to my drawings, but in a perhaps more realistic style – semi-realistic if you like – mixing the qualities I like the best from both manga, anime and traditional media. Cute fantasy, in a more “real” way. One day I will learn how to do that.

Until that day comes my drawings and doodles will have to suffer. Here is a sketch I made recently, during a visit to a cosy little café in the Old town in Stockholm. My first drawing after a several months long break from drawing. Please excuse the somewhat funny looking proportions.

Spring is here

Spring is definitely here again, and with it I can slowly feel my energy returning. It always happens at around this time of the year, and it usually lasts until late autumn/early winter. The light therapy I tried this winter did help a lot, but not completely: I always feel down, lazy and hungry during the winter. Now I´m looking forward to a spring and summer filled with exercise and increased creativity. I´ll make a serious effort to update this blog better too.

To start things off: here´s a sketch of a character I played in a Star Wars Roleplaying Game session earlier this winter. She wore clothes when I played her though.

A possible change in the direction of my artwork

It is interesting to see the direction my artwork is taking me. Since the burnout, my desire to draw erotic artwork with a distinctively provocative and – some would certainly say “extreme” – touch has definitely cooled down, and I have taken a turn towards more uncontroversial grounds. Less of a lolita touch and more about simply expressing beauty in a more mature way. The reasons are both physical and mental, I am sure – not merely medical. Now I am recovering, but there are still many difficult things in my everyday life. Going through the worst phases of the burnout and the subsequent treatment was a terrifying and scary experience that I will never forget – relationship-wise not least. My dearest has not given up on me, which says a lot to me…

I have matured in ways I did not think were possible. Through happiness and pain we grow as human beings. I am no longer the 19-year-old I was when I started drawing Mei, Saga, and my other characters, and it is only natural that this development will be reflected in my artwork. You may or may not notice the difference, depending on how much experience you as a visitor have had of my artwork over the years.

Right now I am largely using photographic references for poses and proportions in my drawings. I still have not recovered and regained the sense of imagination necessary to truly see and imagine the characters entirely in my mind, as I used to be able to before the burnout, so at the moment some aid is necessary. Some of the greatest artists in the world, both throughout history and in the present, use human models to construct their artwork, so I guess I am at least not alone. But hopefully I will be able to draw purely from imagination again sometime in the future, at least to a larger extent than now.

Anyway, here is a sketch I made a few weeks ago. I chose to call it “Athena”.

Lack of power points a nuicence on the road to mobility

First slowly but later with increasing speed the mobilization of the modern world has proceeded. By way of advances in telecommunications in the form of pagers, modems and now most notably mobile phones and wireless internet connections – hand-in-hand with the development of smaller and faster personal computers – the birth of the truly mobile citizen is finally within sight. No longer will computing power and fast and reliable internet access be available to people choosing to work from the office or at home alone. Today´s laptop computers are as light and powerful as most anyone could need (with the possible exception of hardcore gamers and other high-end users). Wireless broadband internet is growing fast, while the cost is falling, and the number of Wi-Fi access points growing as well. Provided that you own a laptop, chances are big that you can not only connect to the internet at a reasonable speed, but also at a reasonable price, at home, in your back yard, at the local library, in a park, or at your favorite café. For work or fun.

But, there is still one big BUT. One annoying nuisance laughing you in the face. One big unpaved section on the highway to connected bliss: the access to abundant electrical power – the lack of accessible power points.

As recently as today, as I was searching for a nice café in downtown Stockholm where I could relax a bit and write this post in my blog, I was reminded of this fact. More or less nice cafés are abundant, as would be expected in a reasonably sized city, but in how many of these have I so far found access to electricity? One. ONE! As more and more people buy laptops access to power points will surely improve over the years, I have no doubt, but there is really no excuse why it is going so slowly. Doesn’t your laptop have a battery, you might ask? Well yes, naturally. The biggest one I could buy, actually, precisely because of mentioned lack of electricity sockets in public areas. But that does not mean I want to use it more than necessary! Batteries have a limited life span, and every time you use it it´s maximum capacity drops a bit. After a few years you shouldn‘t be surprised to find that the battery lasts hours less than it did when it was new. Now, maybe I am overly economical, but laptop batteries are not exactly cheap, and I really do not think it would be too much to ask for for café owners to install a few more power points around their tables. It would not cost much, and I am sure most laptop owners would be happy to pay a small fee to pay for the extra electricity consumed, if it meant they could relax and use their computers without having to worry about battery time. I would, and I am sure other people who like to work at cafés (as I often do) instead of seeing the same four walls of their home or office every day would too. It would be a really good sales point, I would say.

So give us those power points, café owners! After some of the most hi-tech companies in the world have given us access to light and powerful computers and wireless internet connections – the like of which could only have been dreamed of 10 years earlier, dragging out a few extra meters of good ol‘ electricity cable should not be too much to ask for.